Magnificat x Starbucks

“I sang the Magnificat to myself in a Starbucks today and cried” - A text I sent to a dear friend not too long ago. Peak girlhood right there.

I have always loved the Magnificat, but as I sat in this random Starbucks with my iced Matcha reading Mary’s words of praise, humility and joy over and over again, I realized that my heart was hard. In genuine anger and fear and humiliation I said to God “Father, I can’t say this to you. I have struggled. I have given you everything. I feel empty. I have nothing more to say or give. I can’t say thank you for everything. I just can’t”

I expected Him to respond in disappointment. “Emma, we have been through this. Don’t you know I have good plans for you?”

Or maybe He would respond with a challenge. “You think that is hard? Well get ready for this new mountain to climb!”

Of course, He said none of those things.

He instead, spoke very gently and simply to my heart “I know Emma. I know you can’t say it. But can you sing it to me?”

First of all, I am not a singer. Second of all, WHAT JESUS? How humiliating.

I have two choices. I could get up and walk out, or I could just do it. I start, very quietly, to sing.

“My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord…. My spirit exalts in God my Saviour.”

The tears well up. Jesus, why? I don’t feel this way. 

“For He has looked with mercy on my lowliness…”

Ugly tears. Cracking voice. But more confidence.

“And Holy is His Name.”

Peace. Clarity. Acceptance. (And of course more tears.)

I don’t need to understand the season of uncertainty I am in. I don’t need to be ashamed of my humiliation and weakness and littleness.

But to simply choose to praise Him in my unbelief. To choose thanksgiving in my disappointment. That is all He asks.

In that choice He provides the grace to keep going. In that choice, Jesus can comfort our broken, hardened hearts with His mercy.

I am sure I will need to learn this lesson again and again. I am quite weak and forgetful (but of course Jesus already knows this). 

But oh, what joy it must bring the Father when you and I choose to respond like Mary, even when we don’t understand. What a gift to His heart.