The Heart of Friendship

Friendship. A word and concept that seems so simple, yet, also so complicated! C.S. Lewis (one of my all-time favourite authors) says this about friendship: “Friendship is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others”. Now, that’s deep, and upon reading this for the first time, I definitely thought it was much too deep for a concept like friendship! But, reflecting back on my relationships with friends over the years, I began to see the truth of Lewis’s words with more and more clarity. Lets break this down.

Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I am a very social person. In fact, “social” may not be even a strong enough word. I am a very talkative extravert and I LOVE meeting new people and making connections. Being a person highly invested in sports teams, extracurricular activities, leadership committees and volunteering groups for most of my life – I have had a lot of “friends”. However, so many of these friendships remain confided to the social sphere they started in- whether that be a certain team, a specific committee or club, or even a religious retreat. So, real “friendship” has to be more than just a common interest, right? What takes a friendly relationship from being simply a “friend” to a friend-“SHIP”? The real question I arrived at therefore is: what is the heart of friendship?

One word. VULNERABILITY.

There, I said it. The word that makes me cringe with sense of uncomfortable fear. I’ll admit it, I’m not good at being “vulnerable”, and I think that is because sharing and trusting someone with the most raw, messy and broken parts of myself scares me. What if seeing my insecurities makes someone think less of me? What if they think my fears are trivial or childish? Or, what if I begin to trust them, but they break that trust, and leave me feeling betrayed?

All these scenarios have played out in my life, as I am sure they have in yours as well. But, as time has allowed me to grow and heal, I’ve learned that I don’t need to be afraid. Because being vulnerable doesn’t mean I am weak, and I won’t experience true friendship unless I take the leap and try.

So, what is it about vulnerability that is so essential to friendship? A true friendship should be one of service to the other- a reciprocal relationship! Through open and honest vulnerability, we can serve a friendship better. We can affirm the good in that person but can also see the ways that person can be better. And, rather than being judgmental or running away, in humility and love we can challenge that person to grow and walk beside them along the way. And why can we do that? Because that person see’s your insecurities and growing points as well! In friendship, you should want to make EACHOTHER better, and you can only do that when both people have the same goal; to be the best version of themselves but more importantly, to be a saint. Only in vulnerability can this sort of reciprocal and LIFE-GIVING friendship exist.

Of course, the question remains, how do you know if your friendships are “life-giving”? A simple test. Does this person remind you and affirm you in your deepest identity- a beloved child of God? Does this person love and care for your soul above any worldly benefits or “perks” the friendship may provide? Does this friend want to get to heaven and be a SAINT, just as much as you?

If you have these friends in your life, Praise God! And if not, don’t worry! Keep striving to be a saint, and God will place people in your life to help you get there. And, if you’re like me, these friendships will help you learn that vulnerability isn’t such a scary word after all, in fact, as C.S Lewis says, it "reveals to each of us the beauties of others”.