Singlehood: Lessons from my “Abide” Year

This is a conversation I have avoided talking about for a while; both in writing and, most of the time, with the people closest to me. I know why. It is all shame; all lies from the Enemy. But I feel like it is a conversation worth having, worth fighting to say. So, here we go.

In my life right now, I am one of the only single people among my closest friends. In the last two years, some of my best friends have gotten engaged and married, entered new relationships for the first time and even some are already expecting. Before I say anything else, I need to preface the rest of this conversation by saying that these advancing vocations bring me such incredible joy for these people in my life. I truly could not be happier to rejoice in these beautiful and life changing journeys in their lives; to cry tears of joy and celebrate with them over these moments. To even help their significant others execute proposals or surprises for the sake of my friends (yes, that has happened more than once!).

However, when I go home after a wedding, when I end a FaceTime from rejoicing over a proposal, wedding planning help or to celebrate an awesome date, or when I simply go home, alone, I am lonely. Because for all the joy I have shared with others in these blossoming stages in their lives, I feel forgotten, neglected…isolated.

I know what you may be thinking. “Emma, just share with them how you are feeling”. While that is true for some people in my life, if I am being honest with myself and with you now, having that sort of conversation feels almost unsafe…selfish. And this isn’t just an insecurity. Because here is the difference. For some of the people in my life who have entered these new phases, our conversations always feel reciprocal; something initiated from their end. A simple “Emma, how is your heart in this?” means so much more than they could ever imagine. Because of course my heart hurts; on a raw, intimate and personal level.

Because my heart was made to be loved. First by My creator, my Beloved. And secondly, to be loved by another whose love is meant to move me towards the Eternal love waiting for us in Heaven. And for all the joy I can feel for others in their relationships and marriages, my heart aches to experience that specific love as well.

“Emma…feeling this way makes you weak. You simply are too broken to be in a relationship right now. Embrace what God has for you in this season.”

“Emma, don’t be selfish and ruin others happiness with your insecurity… THAT is the enemy.”

“Emma, there are bigger problems in the world. Why are you complaining?”

I hear these lies from the Enemy almost every day. Ringing in my ears. And, often, my interactions with people I love in my life have even made me believe that these lies are true.

In my authority as a daughter and bride of Jesus, I declare these lies null and void in your Name Jesus. I reject and renounce these lies. I forgive those who have made me feel this way; who have made me feel unworthy and neglected. Whose words and actions have made me believe these lies about my identity.

And I claim this truth. That while I did not CHOOSE this particular call to singleness and that hurts, Jesus, I still choose to abide in You.

I chose to believe that Jesus will continue to pursue my heart, even when my heart aches to be pursued on a first date or romantic evening.

I chose to believe that Jesus will still be enough for me, even when I wish that I had a boyfriend or husband to protect me, hold me and stand by me in the trials of my daily life.

I choose to believe that Jesus will still be faithful to me, even when I am angry at Him for this isolation of singlehood that almost no one in my life can relate to.

I choose to believe that Jesus keeps His promises. That I am worthy and precious to Him. That He isn’t afraid of my doubts and fears. That He won’t turn His back on me.

While so many others in my life cannot understand my yearning, my aching and my longing…Jesus, You do. You see my desires and call them good. You see my desires and desire to purify them more and more in anticipation for the greatness You have in store for me. You do not disregard my tears, my fears or my questions, but rather weep with me, because You hate to see your daughter in pain.

This is the truth I choose to believe about this season of singlehood. This is the truth I abide and rest in.

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I trust in You.