Understanding My Identity

I am someone who rarely shares when I am hurting. I would rather leave my feelings unsaid, move on, and pretend like nothing ever happened. It is just easier that way, isn’t it? Rhetorical question; it is definitely NOT easier that way. The hurt and pain has to go somewhere and what does it become? It becomes wounds on our hearts which then the Devil takes, and uses against us to attack our identity. Some of these wounds for me have come from situations of being used, being taken advantage of in relationships, being betrayed by people close to me and being made to feel worthless by situations in which the love I give is not reciprocated but rather used up and discarded.

From there, these wounds which I have buried so deep underneath layers of shame and pain resurface as attacks on my identity; attacks which, despite my being much more aware of them now, continue to hurt just as much. Because, at the root of all these lies and wounds is one which attacks the core of my identity as a daughter of God. This lie, this wound, is that my worth and value is defined by how others think of me and how others treat me. That only when I am “needed” in relationships do I mean something but, when I am not, I have no worth. Only when I give 120% of myself to a friendship at the cost of my own emotional health or responsibilities do I actually “matter”. And so, when I am betrayed by those relationships which use me, or ignored by those I have given my time and love to, my worth and identity is just that. A person to be used, taken advantage of and ultimately discarded and replaceable.

Now, if someone told me that they were feeling this way or believing these lies, I would be the first to tell them how absolutely false those claims were, and to cast those lies to hell where they belong. But, because this is an attack on my own identity, I cannot see the lies in the same clarity as I would for someone else.

Bringing all this pain and hurt to the Lord, I am in the process of learning a very hard but necessary truth. My prayer initially was that the Lord would fix whatever is broken in those who have hurt me and give me the words and availability to be present for them. However, the Lord has slowly and gently been encouraging me to make a different prayer. While I still hope that whatever is broken these individuals' hearts will be healed, I am now realizing that it is okay if I am not the person to “fix” that for them. The last thing I want to do in relationships that hurt me is take a step back, but sometimes, that is exactly what the Lord is asking me to do.

Because ultimately, God wants what is best for me, and a friendship or relationship that is not reciprocating my love but rather abusing it is not His will for me and my life. He is what is best for me, He is enough. And in order to say “yes” to Him more, I have to be ready to say no to the temptations to “fix” other’s brokenness or to go back to unhealthy relationships because of my own insecurities and wounds. And, that doesn’t make me, or you, a bad person, as the Devil tries to make us believe, but distancing myself and stepping away may make more room for the Lord to bring others into those people’s lives who can and will walk with them in ways that I will not be able to.

And so, my prayer now is one of abandonment and surrender. Abandonment to the Lord, I have learned, is not only a willingness to enter situations in order to help and serve but also a willingness to step back, and to let the Lord do His thing. He is a Good Father who wants to provide you and me with friendships and relationships which love us in an unconditional way that mirrors His Heavenly love. I have learned that loving people doesn’t always look like being actively present in their daily lives but sometimes, the Lord is asking us to love from afar, and that is okay!

How does this all tie back into my identity? Simply like this. My identity is to be loved, not used. My identity is to be chosen, not discarded. My identity is to be treasured, not betrayed. My identity is the Lord’s, as His beloved, chosen and treasured daughter. No matter what other “identities” others in your life project onto you as a result of their own brokenness, your belovedness does not change. Your chosenness does not change. The Lord will forever treasure our heart’s no matter how broken or wounded it may be, and no matter how many times we believe the lies of use, betrayal and hurt that the Devil attempts to convince us are our identity. The Lord’s love for you will never change, and only in that can we rest secure.